Q:

Mom and Dad have been reborn in retirement. Over the years they kept their noses to the proverbial grindstone. They worked hard, planned and saved. They are now able to visit the grandchildren and us frequently, which we enjoy. Mom and Dad have time to travel internationally and they are learning how great living in retirement city can be. This euphoria is great, but we sense they are feeling a bit guilty about overspending and eroding our inheritance. We cannot convince them that we are genuinely happy and want to assure them it is their time to live. How can we relieve them of their self-guilt trip?

A:

Parents who love their children relish sharing joy with loved ones. Tell them how much pleasure it gives you to see them having fun and to do some of the things they have only dreamed of. Having the wealth and health to remain independent and enjoying aging is a blessing. Far too frequently parents choose not to spend because they foresee the needs of their children and grandchildren.

Nothing can compete with joy. Having fun, laughing, staying socially active and volunteering keeps parents young. Continue to remind them how pleased you are to share their enthusiasm and their experiences. Tell them that when they splurge and have fun, it makes you happy.

I attribute my happiness to having it all: attitude, love and laughter!

Q:

Dad is in his late 70s and doing well health-wise. However, we have noticed some slippage in his memory bank, and last month he fell down some stairs. He said it was nothing, but the incident woke us up to how quickly things can turn sour. We know little about Dad's wishes and desires for the future. How can we be prepared?

A:

Be gentle in your approach. Sometimes it is difficult for parents to reveal how they feel about losing control. Question him from the perspective of what he wants to happen, not what you want. Who will be responsible for making his goals happen?

To achieve those goals, proper paperwork must be signed and sometimes notarized. Does your father have the basics in place, such as a will, trust, health care directive and power of attorney? If so, where are they located? Does he have a lawyer and accountant?

One wealthy father, as is natural, understood at some point his children had started to think of his money as theirs. Often, recipients are surprised to learn who gets what -- especially when it's not given to them.

Asset distribution can change in the event of remarriages, soured relationships, blended families, and the lack of the proper papers. Lawyers often find other ways of reinterpreting the will.

Needs for each beneficiary are seldom equal. The financial and personal battles really begin after the last parent dies. Some parents, usually those who survived the Great Depression, miss the opportunity of not letting their children become independent and learn how to work.

Some heirs come to believe that their inheritance, especially one that is less valuable than expected, means their parent did not love them as much. Reality is expressed by the check you get!

Doug Mayberry makes the most of life after work in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at deardoug@msn.com.